The War On Vertical Toasting

Christmas is almost upon us and as we all know Christmas is for one thing:  Freaking out about stuff.  As you know, dear reader, SA misses no opportunity for self-righteous indignation.  So with the help of an 8-ball and 22 straight hours of Fox News I felt like I was in a position to make some incisive points that would really cut through the BS.  So I went roving for an issue I could sink my teeth into.  I didn't have to rove far.  Not far at all.

That's it!  I have had it!  I can no longer sit idle and pretend that the United States, nay, civilization as we know it is not about to decay in an explosion that will make the testing of Tsar Bomba look like that crappy firework that is supposed to be a snake but really looks like a burnt Cheeto (is that the singular of Cheetos?)  You know the one?  The black snake?  That piece of shit?  It's the candy corn of fireworks.  Anyway, back to my indignation.  And more exclamation points!!!

 I'm usually pretty mild mannered and I keep to myself.  I say, "Hey budrow, you have your opinion and I have mine."  It's a free God fearing, freedom loving country.  If I don't approve of what you are doing I just keep it to myself and then go home and tell long-winded stories to my friends and teh internetz that paint me as the supreme arbiter of all things right and good and acceptable and totally not fucking noob.  But, like I said, I keep it to myself.  Well, I just can't abide by what The Spacebook told me today.  I cannot abide!

This is how it always begins with the horizontal toaster mafia.

You see what they are doing right?  You see the seamy and seducting agenda the horizontal toasting movement at work here?  Its how they operate.  Makes me want to spit.  We used to have just vertical toast.  Nobody complained.  Bread was heated, nay, refreshed, to a temperature which allowed anybody to spread jam or jelly or butter or whatever on however they liked.  You want to toast bread?  No problem budrick!  I just pop it in my vertical toaster and away we go.  In fact you didn't even call it a vertical toaster.  It was just a toaster.

And then some hippie-commie-socialist-whiner-freeloader came along in the 60's and said, "We don't we have toaster ovens?" And everybody went, "I had a cousin once who wore gray trench coats and he toasted horizontally.  He was the shame of his family.  And I don't think he wore pants under that trench coat now that I think of it.  And I think he smoked drugs."   Next thing you know, he's not the pervert with the trench coat, he's a horizontal toaster.  He uses a toaster oven.  Well la-ti-da.  Can you heat up a Pizza Pocket in that toaster oven, pal?  That's what I thought.  Doesn't cook all the way through, does it? You get cold pepperoni in the middle that's like a spiced meat slap in the face.

Enjoy your pepperoni ice cube, socialist.

 
Look, I'm not saying we shouldn't have horizontal toasting or toaster ovens.  You can get a toaster oven if you want.  No law against it.  You want to toast horizontally?  Hey go for it!  Have at it! Go ahead and jam your bread in there all day for all I care.  Like I said, I love freedom.  But what I don't love?  The horizontal toaster mafia jamming their beliefs about bread refreshment in mine and my kid's face.

And they are.  They can't wait to parade their horizontal toasting in front of everybody.  Take my neighbor Terrance.  He's out on his porch with his toaster oven just making toast like it's no big deal. Right out in the open!  Like he's proud of it!  Like he's not blatantly infringing on a copyright amongst other moral failures. Kids are walking home from school.  Kids!  It was like watching civilization and values and freedom and rights being burned right in the middle of the neighborhood.

So I decided I needed to have a little talk with Mr. Terrance about neighborhood values.  After two quick lines I went over to confront him.  I was barely even up to his steps when he gives me this look like I'm doing something wrong.  Face all sourpuss and shit.

Terrance: Help you with something Himbo?

Me: Actually Terrance, you can.  I noticed that you're toasting bread out here on your porch and well, I couldn't help noticing that their were children walking by and I think we can agree that this is not the type of example we want to be setting for young people so if you wouldn't mind just taking your toaster oven and-"

Terrance: Get off my property Himbo before I call the police.

Can you believe that?  He's horizontally toasting in public and he's going to call the police on me?

Me: How DARE you sir!

Terrance: You been doing cocaine all day again?  Get lost snowflake or I'm going to tell the cops you tried to sell me cocaine.

Me: Se-, hmph, what, grrrpbb, hebbit! Ibid? [various indignation]

Terrance: Jesus, you're foaming at the mouth.  You know coke is bad for you, right?

Me: You have no right to question me about what I do in the privacy of my own home!  Now where was I?  Oh, yes your blatant horizontal toasting-"

Terrance: You don't look so good.  I think you have a detached retina or something.  It's bulging.  You should call 911.

It was at this point that I realized it was impossible to reason with somebody like this.  They are hell bent on ruining society and there's nothing you can do to stop them.  You just have to protect your own family at all costs.  Which is why I'm going to cut the power lines to his house later tonight.  Try toasting then Terrance! Now where's the rest of that 8 ball?  Just a little bump to cool me out...



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